More raiding – and confidence building

It’s been a while since I made a post – had some technical issues with accessing wordpress blogs – all of them, not just my own. So much reading I havn’t done…

Sometimes, when you’re new to a situation, it seems as if every time the team fails, it is because you have done something wrong yourself – it is hard to shake this off – when you have soloed such a lot for so long, you know that you didn’t manage to succeed – because, well, you died.

When you start to play in groups, the difference between success and failure depends on how the group performs. But unless people in the group *want* to frankly assess their performance and to stand up to the reasons why the group has failed, and there is no blame or negativity attached, just a desire to improve, then it is easy for it to become less a matter of diagnosis and more a matter of blame throwing.

In the heat of the raid, this is not helpful – which is why experienced officers are so precious – because they can diagnose reasons for failure in a temperate way, and diffuse tension. It is unbelievably easy for a raid to lose spirit and enthusiasm – after all, why concentrate on your maximum rotation and efficiency and moving *right this second* and switching targets really quickly – after all, it won’t help. And why bother to sign up for the next raid – you’ve got all your kit now, who cares//you’ll get better kit in ICC.

I do really like the raid guild I have joined – because for the most part, the officers know the impact of the noises they make over vent – they know how important it is to keep up morale. They know that each and every one of the raiders is capable of giving 100% of their attention and effort to the success of the raid, and they know that without all members giving their all, the raid has a fair chance of failing. Keeping the optimism up is crucial.

I am a healer. I have this massive problem when the raid dies – and I am trying to overcome the fact that the raid wiping is not entirely my fault. And if there is one voice in raid Vent that talks, dejectedly, about “we need to die less” or other comments that indicate that I am at fault, that reinforces my inner healing voice that says I ought to be able to heal everyone through any manner of pain, all the time, and that they should suffer not the smallest bruise from the big uglies in front of them.

So, I know how ridiculous it is for me to carry the weight of every wipe – but bear with me – I am new to this raiding thing – a little part of every wipe is down to my healing fail. Even though I have done my best each time, it is clearly not enough.

And because I can state this clearly out loud, I know how unrealistic my own expectations are. I realise that it is not all about me. That I am not the saviour of everyone’s stupid. The sometimes it might be down to me being slightly in the wrong place, but more often it is a combination of insufficient DPS, or insufficient interruptions, or the fact that a healing target is out of range for the few seconds that I might have been able to do something helpful. That I am also part of a healing team – and therefore I cannot take the blame for a tank wipe, if this is not my healing target, and that deaths which occur as a result of a one-shotted clothy DPS are also not something that I can prevent.

But did I cause one wipe last night? I think I might have done. Despite all strafing when Icehowl looked at me, it was not enough. And he either hit me or someone who was very close to me – I died. And to be honest, the sad, resigned, fed up voice over Vent claiming that “it’s not that hard guys, you just have to move, come on” was not that helpful. I get less and less motivated by this approach. Either make it a joke, or be straight, or be positive – just don’t sound as if you’re dragging a dead weight up a steep hill, all by yourself, you poor martyr who has to deal with these sad losers.

I need more snark. More flowcharts. Less martyrdom. I’m holy, but not a saint.